[GoneGirl]

I wrote in a previous post that I try to keep my antennas up for signs that my wife's acceptance of my TG leanings are weakening. Well, yesterday, after being apart for three nights, she mentioned that she's been feeling sad. Now, there was a time when I would have dismissed this as just normal variation of her woman moodiness, but not now. That's one of the things that PM has changed in me: my increased sensitivity to her feelings and those of others.

When I asked her if she wanted to talk about it, she hesitated, so I encouraged her to tell me what was making her feel sad. She said that she has been having thoughts of my eventually leaving her as my TG development continues to open up new worlds for me.

Well, she's right about the new worlds that my coming out has created, but I was rather taken aback that she thought there might not be a place for her there. I certainly have no designs along that line, but I had to admit that the future was not all that clear to me, either. It actually put me into a state of fright that something like that might happen.

So, we talked for an hour or so about it; I doing as much as I could to reassure her that things were not about to change between us; that, if anything, the outgrowth from my gender identity has been good for our marriage, and that I didn't see that reversing. I could feel her anxiety evaporate as we talked, as did mine, and I realized that these reassurances need to be renewed on a regular basis to keep things going smoothly.

I came away from the experience having learned an important lesson: Never take my wife's acceptance and support for granted.

Clara

[Samantha Rogers]

Clara, that is so awesome, sweetheart. You sre so fortunate to have such a loving supportive spouse and such a loving and deep relationship. There are really so very fee that do. So happy for you, Sis!
Hugs

[GoneGirl]

Clara, that is so awesome, sweetheart. You sre so fortunate to have such a loving supportive spouse and such a loving and deep relationship. There are really so very fee that do. So happy for you, Sis!
Hugs

Thanks, Sammie. Yes, I am very fortunate to have her at my side during this formative period in my life. I know, I know....how can I use the word 'formative' when I'm in my 60s? All I can say is that my cross gender identity is still in her teens and has lots of growing up to do...LOL!

Clara

[GoneGirl]

I found this pertinent piece by Lorrie Yale T.R.U.S.T. Co-Founder over on the Transgender Forum. It probably goes without saying, but we often forget to do the obvious. Tell me what you think.

Clara

Six Steps After You Tell Your S.O.

A great deal of time is spent on the discussion of how to tell a spouse you are transgender. However, telling your spouse is only the first step in a long line of open communication. The most important part is what happens after the initial conversation and your significant other now knows. Here are 6 Steps to strengthening your relationship and allowing it to continue to grow.

1. Take Things Slow! You have known and struggled with this for most of your life. Remember she is just finding out. She needs time.

2. Don’t Push! Do not push your spouse into going shopping or going out with you dressed. She needs to get to know your female side and appearance slowly, in the privacy of your own home. If you push to hard, you could push her away.

3. Communication is Key! Be honest with your spouse. Allow them to ask questions and be prepared to answer them in the most honest way you can. If you are not sure how far you plan to go with your transition then you need to tell her that. There should be no secrets anymore. You should begin to travel this path together. Don’t leave her trying to keep up.

4. Help to Educate You Spouse! Give your partner the opportunity to learn more. Their are some great books that may be helpful. A few are: True Selves, by Mildred Brown & Chloe Rounsley; She’s Not There, by Jenny Boylan; If You Really Loved Me, by Emma Cantons, and the documentary Trans, The Movie.

5. Be Patient! Your spouse needs to process this new information and she may react in several ways. It is common for many spouses to go through a grieving process which may include the following Five Stages: 1. Denial 2. Bargaining 3. Anger 4. Depression 5.Acceptance. These stages can take time. Be their for her and take this journey together.

6. Tell Her You Love Her! Your spouse may begin to feel insecure about herself. Tell her you love her and reassure her this is not her fault. Let her know you are not going anywhere and you still want to be with her. She needs to hear this from you often.

Lorrie Yale
T.R.U.S.T. Co-Founder

[GoneGirl]

S.O. acceptance is a huge factor in finding peace of mind with one's cross gender identity. I know it was in my situation. I've been thinking about other members who are struggling with this problem -- Sammie, Heather, and so many more.

I wonder if it might help when disclosing one's TG inclinations, gender dysphoria, or however you characterize it, to making your spouse a stakeholder in a successful solution to the 'problem'. In other words, instead of focusing exclusively on your needs, i.e., the needs of the CD/TG husband, pay more attention to what's in it for her.

I think many wives react negatively to a 'coming out' by their husbands because they don't see anything favorable in the disclosure from their perspective. It's viewed as an unmitigated disaster in their lives. The wife is asked to make all the sacrifices, all the concessions, all the adjustments. Would you react any differently if the shoe was on the other foot?

My wife, thank heaven, came to accept by transgender nature, and has been a huge help to me. Why is that? Why do some wives react positively, while others react negatively?

I started PM before my disclosure. The herb changed my temperament and the way I interacted with my wife. She noticed it. When I came out to her, I made mention of the fact that my taking a form of estrogen changed my mental state to one of more sensitivity and understanding of her feelings, her frustrations, and her needs. She acknowledged the change and admitted that she liked it. Was it real? Yes, PM has that effect. In some crazy way, it rewires the brain. That effect persists to this day, and my DW still marvels at the transformation.

As a crossdreamer (one who dreams about being a woman) I was not a good sex partner. I couldn't do the male role in bed the way that was expected. I was always anxious about my performance because I didn't perform well -- surprise! It really messed things up for both of us. I wanted to be in the role of the woman -- not good for a satisfying sex life for either partner. When I disclosed my TG nature and explained the sexual implications, she expressed some relief that our so-so sex life was not her fault. For years, she thought that she wasn't attractive to me. I didn't know she felt that way. But when I explained about my female gender identity, that I had trouble playing the role of a man during love making, and made it clear that it really was not her fault, a huge sense of guilt was lifted from her shoulders. As a result, our sexual relationship improved significantly.

Does my wife feel that she has to play the lesbian now that I identify as a woman in the bedroom? Not, necessarily, although she doesn't object to my being fem in the bedroom. What she sees is a person who is devoted to her pleasure like never before. There is no rush to achieve orgasm and a quick end to sexual intimacy. She has time to build to a state of sexual excitement and is more likely to reach orgasm than at any time in the past. I am still her husband in her mind. The total me minus the anxiety that always interfered with sex in the past.

These are examples of the positives that potentially come from being open and honest about one's sexuality, gender identity, and love for one's partner. When these benefits are experienced by one's spouse, there is a much greater likelihood that she will want to preserved them even if it means accepting the 'deviation' of your cross gender sensibilities. The CD quirkiness is no longer front and center in the relationship.

So, my point is to look at your S.O. acceptance problem from your wife's standpoint. What's in it for her? If you can find and demonstrate the positives to her, there is a much better likelihood that she will go along with your needs. It may not happen immediately, but in time, who knows?

Any thoughts on this? Has anyone found this to be a factor in your relationship? Let's discuss.

Clara

[AnnieBL]

Clara,

Since I am very much in the midst of 'coming clean' with my own wife, this thread is of very great interest to me. I had been concerned that my attempts to tell her about my gender variance were not being very effective, that she was hearing me but not listening, or not wanting to know and brushing it off by saying 'You've already told me that' and sliding off sideways into another subject. So I wrote it all (much of it anyway) out and handed it to her with a request to read it right through and then cross examine me. She did, and we have been discussing it in some depth ever since. Very early on she warned me that just because she was taking it calmly, I shouldn't assume acceptance, and she has repeated this in various ways since. For example, she has said that I should not of expected her to take my revelations anything but calmly, by implication meaning that this is something far too important actually to fight over. One theme that has surfaced is that she very much does not want to feel that she is being in any way manipulated into acceptance in this matter and I know, Clara, that she would be inclined to see some of your suggestions, such as those your last post in this thread, sensible as they are, in just that light.

She does say that she needs time, and would very much like to find someone, other than myself, to discuss it with, but neither of us can think of anyone. There is a local chapter of PFLAG, who are having their last meeting before a summer recess on June 6. I've suggested that she or both of us should go, but that is still up in the air. She is not standing in the way of my going to SCC although she says I won't enjoy it, and will be even more worried if I do. I think that she is concerned that this would not be a one-off episode of cross dressing for me, but the beginning of a slippery slope on which I might not be able to stop myself: and in all honesty I cannot say for certain that there is not a risk, Nothing major that one does is without risk.

On the other hand she is also taking the view that if I do go to SCC, she is determined that I will be as well turned out a woman as is possible within a budget limited by being for a one-off event; and she also sees it as an interesting sewing project. From my own point of view, putting together the illusion oneself is part of the fun, but who am I to grudge her part of this? Of course, attitudes are still evolving and there are three months still to go.

Hugs

[GoneGirl]

Annie, I can tell that your wife is a very sensible lady, inclined toward a rationale approach to dealing with this 'quirk' of yours. That's good, and in time should lead to the best possible outcome.

There's a posting at crossdresser.com that lists some tips to help achieve S.O. acceptance given from the perspective of the wife of a crossdresser. I'll copy her tips here and link to the entire thread:


DON'T lie:
When you tell her, be an open book. Answer her questions when she asks. Tell her that you will answer any question she has and will be honest. This establishes trust.
Don't tell half truths, this will hurt later on down the line and we found this one out the hard way.

DO Appeal to our femininity:
Explain to her the feeling that you get when you dress. Its similar to how when we dress up for an event or wear heels. When most women dress up they feel Sexy. Confident. Ready to take the world. Find something about how we like to feel when we dress and when you tell her appeal to that need or feeling. For us it was luca telling me he thought that it was "fun" to dress up and he wanted to be included in that idea of "fun".

NEVER tear down HER view of what makes her feminine:
Remember that she is a NATURAL woman. She has things about her that make her feminine by birth. her CLOTHES. HAIR. MAKEUP. NONE of that is what makes her feminine. Its her walk, her talk, her attitude, her confidence. What makes YOU feminine and what make HER feminine, don't have to be the same things.

NEVER compare yourself to her:
This would be a disaster. Comparing how "good" you look, or how "well" you walk in heels. This is never going to help. if she is super feminine and she is the "kind of woman you would like to be" Then use HER as the EXPERT. Ask her for help. Just last week I had a "walking" in heels impromptu class for Luca down the hall way. If she feels like she is the "leading expert" on being a woman she will not only be happier with herself, but in turn will be happier teaching you to be more feminine.

DO respect that she has been a girl her entire life,
Sometimes wives aren't your idea of feminine. Remember that your idea and her idea of feminine are different. But being a woman here entire life she has a great deal of amassed knowledge that you, having lived most of your life as a man, will probably never be able to approach. So DO ask for help doing your nails, even if you think you know how. She might have some tricks for you. DO ask her for help with your hair and makeup. DO talk to her about those silly things like why women insist on showing bra straps under a cami. DO defer to her on many things.

DON'T steal her clothes:
If you have in the past, FESS UP. Then stop. We don't like to share. We don't want you stretching out our favorite blouse, or heaven forbid ruin one. (note) some wives are cool with sharing. Just ask/talk first.

DO have her help you purchase new ones:
Buying clothes for luca was a bonding experience. I actually found out his size and went shopping for him on my own. It gave me time to get used to the idea that this was a new reality. I could pick up something and decide that I liked it. Yeah this way some things didn't fit. We had to do some returns, but I got comfortable knowing.

DON'T use CDing as a substitute:
For anything. For sex. For emotional connection. CDing is a part of you, but it cannot rule you. Once you start using CDing as a substitute for something else it becomes this large pink fog monster that your wife will have no idea how to handle.

DO tell her when its going to move further:
So this part sucks. CDing for most is progressive. Luca and I had a conversation about always being honest when he needs more. But I am always allowed to be honest and say when it becomes to much. Is this scary? Yes. Could this mean either a massive compromise that leaves one of us un happy? Maybe? Could this lead to a break up? Maybe. But in the end just TALKING about wants, needs, fears. Will give a greater understanding of "what's going on."

Tips to an SO's acceptance

A lot can happen in the 3 months until SCC. There'll be advances and setbacks, but in the end I think you'll be a lot closer to compromise that you both can embrace.

Hugs,

Clara

[Differoh]

My wife doesn't accept at all..... but she's willing to turn a blind eye as long as I keep it out of her face.... Getting too girlie on her just sets her off.... lucky for me she rarely stays mad more than a few hours.... It sucks but its the cards I was dealt.....

how does she keep a blind eye to the beautiful breasts you have grown? has that done anything to the intimacy? i assume in male mode they are still very noticable

[GoneGirl]

My wife doesn't accept at all..... but she's willing to turn a blind eye as long as I keep it out of her face.... Getting too girlie on her just sets her off.... lucky for me she rarely stays mad more than a few hours.... It sucks but its the cards I was dealt.....

how does she keep a blind eye to the beautiful breasts you have grown? has that done anything to the intimacy? i assume in male mode they are still very noticable

That's a very good point you raise, Im. It's very difficult, if not impossible, to have a 'normal' sexual relationship in marriage if you pursue NBE. It's often true even if you keep it a secret before breast growth becomes visible.

For most of us, the part that intimacy plays in marriage is transformed as our sex hormone balance shifts away from testosterone toward estrogen. Male sex drive and sexual function are going to be affected to some degree, often a lot. Whether or not both partners can adjust to the new dynamic will make a big difference in the longevity of the marriage. The younger you are, the smaller the chances of the marriage lasting. That's why so many of us wait until age 50+ to finally face up to our transgender condition.

So even if your spouse or SO turns a blind eye to crossdressing, it's impossible for a relationship not to be affected by other consequences of pursuing HRT, whether through prescription drugs or herbal supplements. Often it means a sexless marriage, which, if you ask around, you'll find is fairly common in normal postmenopausal marriages anyway.

Clara

[kimdl93]

... when I explained about my female gender identity, that I had trouble playing the role of a man during love making, and made it clear that it really was not her fault, a huge sense of guilt was lifted from her shoulders. As a result, our sexual relationship improved significantly.

Does my wife feel that she has to play the lesbian now that I identify as a woman in the bedroom? Not, necessarily, although she doesn't object to my being fem in the bedroom. What she sees is a person who is devoted to her pleasure like never before. There is no rush to achieve orgasm and a quick end to sexual intimacy. She has time to build to a state of sexual excitement and is more likely to reach orgasm than at any time in the past. I am still her husband in her mind. The total me minus the anxiety that always interfered with sex in the past....

Any thoughts on this? Has anyone found this to be a factor in your relationship? Let's discuss.

Clara

Hi Clara,

I have had a very similar response from my wife. I've always been a woman in my head, as far as love making is concerned, alluding to this as a little fantasy long before I came out as TG. Interestingly, I think that knowing this was truly how I identified myself has improved our intimate relations. While she still sees me as a male, she also realizes that I experience pleasure and gratification much as she does.

Kim