S.O. acceptance is a huge factor in finding peace of mind with one's cross gender identity. I know it was in my situation. I've been thinking about other members who are struggling with this problem -- Sammie, Heather, and so many more.
I wonder if it might help when disclosing one's TG inclinations, gender dysphoria, or however you characterize it, to making your spouse a stakeholder in a successful solution to the 'problem'. In other words, instead of focusing exclusively on your needs, i.e., the needs of the CD/TG husband, pay more attention to what's in it for her.
I think many wives react negatively to a 'coming out' by their husbands because they don't see anything favorable in the disclosure from their perspective. It's viewed as an unmitigated disaster in their lives. The wife is asked to make all the sacrifices, all the concessions, all the adjustments. Would you react any differently if the shoe was on the other foot?
My wife, thank heaven, came to accept by transgender nature, and has been a huge help to me. Why is that? Why do some wives react positively, while others react negatively?
I started PM before my disclosure. The herb changed my temperament and the way I interacted with my wife. She noticed it. When I came out to her, I made mention of the fact that my taking a form of estrogen changed my mental state to one of more sensitivity and understanding of her feelings, her frustrations, and her needs. She acknowledged the change and admitted that she liked it. Was it real? Yes, PM has that effect. In some crazy way, it rewires the brain. That effect persists to this day, and my DW still marvels at the transformation.
As a crossdreamer (one who dreams about being a woman) I was not a good sex partner. I couldn't do the male role in bed the way that was expected. I was always anxious about my performance because I didn't perform well -- surprise! It really messed things up for both of us. I wanted to be in the role of the woman -- not good for a satisfying sex life for either partner. When I disclosed my TG nature and explained the sexual implications, she expressed some relief that our so-so sex life was not her fault. For years, she thought that she wasn't attractive to me. I didn't know she felt that way. But when I explained about my female gender identity, that I had trouble playing the role of a man during love making, and made it clear that it really was not her fault, a huge sense of guilt was lifted from her shoulders. As a result, our sexual relationship improved significantly.
Does my wife feel that she has to play the lesbian now that I identify as a woman in the bedroom? Not, necessarily, although she doesn't object to my being fem in the bedroom. What she sees is a person who is devoted to her pleasure like never before. There is no rush to achieve orgasm and a quick end to sexual intimacy. She has time to build to a state of sexual excitement and is more likely to reach orgasm than at any time in the past. I am still her husband in her mind. The total me minus the anxiety that always interfered with sex in the past.
These are examples of the positives that potentially come from being open and honest about one's sexuality, gender identity, and love for one's partner. When these benefits are experienced by one's spouse, there is a much greater likelihood that she will want to preserved them even if it means accepting the 'deviation' of your cross gender sensibilities. The CD quirkiness is no longer front and center in the relationship.
So, my point is to look at your S.O. acceptance problem from your wife's standpoint. What's in it for her? If you can find and demonstrate the positives to her, there is a much better likelihood that she will go along with your needs. It may not happen immediately, but in time, who knows?
Any thoughts on this? Has anyone found this to be a factor in your relationship? Let's discuss.
Clara