... when I explained about my female gender identity, that I had trouble playing the role of a man during love making, and made it clear that it really was not her fault, a huge sense of guilt was lifted from her shoulders. As a result, our sexual relationship improved significantly.

Does my wife feel that she has to play the lesbian now that I identify as a woman in the bedroom? Not, necessarily, although she doesn't object to my being fem in the bedroom. What she sees is a person who is devoted to her pleasure like never before. There is no rush to achieve orgasm and a quick end to sexual intimacy. She has time to build to a state of sexual excitement and is more likely to reach orgasm than at any time in the past. I am still her husband in her mind. The total me minus the anxiety that always interfered with sex in the past....

Any thoughts on this? Has anyone found this to be a factor in your relationship? Let's discuss.

Clara

Hi Clara,

I have had a very similar response from my wife. I've always been a woman in my head, as far as love making is concerned, alluding to this as a little fantasy long before I came out as TG. Interestingly, I think that knowing this was truly how I identified myself has improved our intimate relations. While she still sees me as a male, she also realizes that I experience pleasure and gratification much as she does.

Kim

Just to follow up on this point, Kim.....

I stumbled on this website Flexuality about human sexual orientation. Apparently, most of us are a lot more bisexual than we think.

Here’s a graph showing the actual sexual types of the approximately 8,000 men and women who have taken the test, by percentage and broken down according to whether the subject self-identified as heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual:

[attachment=6782]

Here a link to the test where you will find the definitions of the sexual orientations shown in the graph. Take the Test

Notice that 75% of people who took the test and self identified as heterosexual turn out to be ambisexual (~25%) or heteroflexible (~50%).

Ambisexual: You are attracted to both men and women, though not necessarily in the same ways or to the same degree. Also known as classic bisexual, AC-DC, 50-50, or a Kinsey 3.

Heteroflexible: You are open to fooling around with someone of the same sex, even though you generally consider yourself straight. Also known as bi-curious, questioning, experimenting, or mostly straight.

This may explain why a straight wife will often be attracted to a trans husband even after much feminization has occurred.

It certainly has worked out that way in my marriage.

Clara

Following up on my last post, one thing that was already emerging was that both of us grew up exposed to very negative attitudes towards cross dressing, something that J has difficulty in adjusting to, and it may well have a bearing on the fact that I have never hitherto cross dressed myself. Another thing that doesn’t sit well with her is that she regarded it only as inadequate faking of being a woman, and she felt quite strongly that a man can never achieve the truly feminine. Possibly this is a legitimate attitude towards a fetishist, but I don’t think this applies to most of our group. Surely we do it to express the feminine part of our variant gender. She also reacted badly to any mention of bras or other foundation garments (more fakery), she didn’t want to see me in my wig (or even see the wig), and when she said she didn’t see how a man could wear a female bathing suit and I said I could produce a photograph she said no thanks. She says she’s very confused, and so we’ll have to see how it all sorts itself out.

She did however go to the meeting of the local PFLAG group a couple of evenings ago (on her own, as she wanted) and found it very interesting and friendly. There were a number of TG/TS people there, although it was quite a small meeting. In particular there was one couple who had been married until the husband transitioned and their ways parted, but they are now again living together. They too emphasized that time was needed to digest this type of pink elephant. J found them very likeable and friendly, and it looks as if they might be coming out here to see us in the fairly near future. J was astonished that she could not tell that the ex-husband was not a GG (the same also applied to some of the others at the meeting, including an F/M but the other way around) and how feminine he was. Another thing she noticed was that there were several teenagers, each accompanied by his/her father, but no mothers. She wants me to go with her next time, but unfortunately the group does not meet during July and August and the September meeting clashes with SCC. One curious comment by the couple she met which seems to need following up was that they had just found an endocrinologist that would be prepared to prescribe hormones. Useful information in its own right, but how did she get as far as she evidently has without prescriptions?

She still feels the need to sort out her conflicting attitudes, and is I think concerned about her ability to regard our lovemaking in the same light as before, but we are sill talking and hopefully moving slowly forwards.

Annie, I'm glad to hear that you and J are communicating at this critical crossroad in your life (no pun intended). I was never big into crossdressing either until I discovered my TG condition. At first, I couldn't imagine dressing up and going out of the house. I felt I would meet with ridicule and rejection. Years of watching TV and movies which depict males dressed en femme as foolish clowns has conditioned many to react negatively to crossdressing. Neither my wife nor I believed that I could ever be mistaken for or pass as a woman. But, that's proved to be wrong -- until I open my mouth to speak, that is...LOL. As one grows older, even that gets easier.

My guess is that J will eventually overcome her conditioned repugnance to crossdressing. A strong marriage that has lasted for so long is not going to be derailed by something so arbitrary as how a husband wants to dress. But maybe we overestimate the strength of our marriages?

My personal approach is to never take for granted my wife's willingness to go along with my CD/TG inclinations. Her needs have to be met as well as my own if our life together is going to persist. Self-centered behavior and attitudes are the biggest threats to any relationship, but seem to be particularly common among TG/TS individuals.

One thing for wives to understand is that when a trans undergoes HRT, the first couple years are essentially like going through puberty as a teen aged girl. That can be a hard time emotionally for both partners. It's important to understand that when that period is behind us, there will follow a more mature attitude toward one's gender identity. Sometimes it's getting past those first few years that is the most difficult in a relationship. Unfortunately, there are no set patterns, so everyone has to craft his/her own approach to solving their unique issues.

Hugs,

Clara

Annie, that all sounds like very positive news. Keep plugging...I suspect this will all work out for you and her. BTW, she sounds like a very interesting and special woman, based on everything you have revealed over time. I wish now that she was joining us in Atlanta.

[quote='kimdl93' pid='117533' dateline='1401757797']
[quote='ClaraKay' pid='116065' dateline='1401149006']


Just to follow up on this point, Kim.....

I stumbled on this website Flexuality about human sexual orientation. Apparently, most of us are a lot more bisexual than we think.

Here’s a graph showing the actual sexual types of the approximately 8,000 men and women who have taken the test, by percentage and broken down according to whether the subject self-identified as heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual:



Here a link to the test where you will find the definitions of the sexual orientations shown in the graph. Take the Test

Notice that 75% of people who took the test and self identified as heterosexual turn out to be ambisexual (~25%) or heteroflexible (~50%).

Ambisexual: You are attracted to both men and women, though not necessarily in the same ways or to the same degree. Also known as classic bisexual, AC-DC, 50-50, or a Kinsey 3.

Heteroflexible: You are open to fooling around with someone of the same sex, even though you generally consider yourself straight. Also known as bi-curious, questioning, experimenting, or mostly straight.

This may explain why a straight wife will often be attracted to a trans husband even after much feminization has occurred.

It certainly has worked out that way in my marriage.

Clara

A GG friend on another site and I had a private discussion on this topic. She was self described bisexual in a relationship with a CDr who was bi curious. Her observation, one which I tend to concur with, is that two consenting adults can, in the bedroom, put a sided defined sexual roles and expectations...and just let it flow. I think that fairly describes the situation for my wife and I. She, of course knows that I am both consciously and innately attuned to expressing love as a woman...that's just where I go, and she's good with it.

Kim

Annie, that all sounds like very positive news. Keep plugging...I suspect this will all work out for you and her. BTW, she sounds like a very interesting and special woman, based on everything you have revealed over time. I wish now that she was joining us in Atlanta.

Yes, she is -very- special indeed. As for coming to Atlanta, she did, I think by way of a trial ballon, float that remote possibility this evening - if you are my friends, then she too wants to meet you. On the other hand, she is still concerned that in the light of my 'coming out', our physical relationship, given my total loss of conventional male function, may have become in her view too lesbian in nature for her comfort.

Annie, that all sounds like very positive news. Keep plugging...I suspect this will all work out for you and her. BTW, she sounds like a very interesting and special woman, based on everything you have revealed over time. I wish now that she was joining us in Atlanta.

Yes, she is -very- special indeed. As for coming to Atlanta, she did, I think by way of a trial ballon, float that remote possibility this evening - if you are my friends, then she too wants to meet you. On the other hand, she is still concerned that in the light of my 'coming out', our physical relationship, given my total loss of conventional male function, may have become in her view too lesbian in nature for her comfort.


Well, Annie, I, of course, no nothing of such things, but I am told, or at least I have heard it whispered, that there are, in certain quarters (where I am sure I might never venture), certain business establishments of most assuredly unsavory reputation who will, for a price, provide one with ....objects? ....of rather devious nature that can, when employed properly (if such a word is appropriate at all in this context) substitute quite effectively in the long run for any inadequacies you (or I...tee hee) may face. Perhaps this might provide refief for your lesbian conundrum?
LOL
Sammie

Well, Annie, I, of course, no nothing of such things, but I am told, or at least I have heard it whispered, that there are, in certain quarters (where I am sure I might never venture), certain business establishments of most assuredly unsavory reputation who will, for a price, provide one with ....objects? ....of rather devious nature that can, when employed properly (if such a word is appropriate at all in this context) substitute quite effectively in the long run for any inadequacies you (or I...tee hee) may face. Perhaps this might provide refief for your lesbian conundrum?
LOL
Sammie

Sorry, Sammie, I overlooked this when you posted it - something went wrong with the quoting in your post so that it dropped into your quote from me.
Yes indeed I have such an ...object?... which in fact represents quite a good representation of what I used to be able to deploy myself. It was intended for use with a harness but I found that driving in that manner provides quite inadequate feedback as to what it is doing, so manual operation is much more effective all around. The problem with this, and other toys, is that they don't actually require a male driver, and can be and are equally well used by those of female gender, possibly acquiring for themselves in the process a sexual orientation in accordance with the gender of the driver.
Of all the various 'aids' we have tried, only that and one other have been really successful, and both are currently sidelined until we get things sorted out a bit further. Hugs and kisses still available.

Well it sounds like a hard problem, Annie. I do hope you can nail a solution and drive it home. Tee hee.

Just a quick question to you girls ...

How many of you came out to your DW whilst still having the kids at home ?

I`m really at a point I need to bring this up, ( in my mind ) its one thing to keep a secret from your loved one, for the sake of the marriage, but i`m finding it morally wrong to see a psychiatrist behind her back. I have two boys 14 and 19 years of age, living at home. So even though I feel I kneed to open up to my DW, I also don't feel the need for the two kids to find out, not at this time.

It also looks like a few of you joined this site before opening up to the DW, have you since showed her this site ? what were her views on the posts?

Have you also opened up to other family members? close friends ?

The last time I opened up in my early teens, it cost me a girlfriend and what few friends I had, so you can see i`m a little gun shy at this point.