[Dibraru]

Thanks Lotus for the insight, but L-cup... I didn't even know that this cup size existed till now. It seems like your journey wasn't easy. But it is inspiring to see that it didn't pull you down, but made you grow stronger instead.

As for me personally, NBE was not possible. For 4 years, I have extreme stomach pain after eating, so much that I sometimes lose consciousness for a few seconds several times a minute from the pain. I wanted to figure out what it is, or why I have it, but four years later I only know which illnesses I don't have. After getting severe depression because I couldn't do anything—no university, not going out to eat, no sport, no work, and so on—I went to a psychologist also to confirm that it's not psychosomatic. Which apparently it's not. After like 2 years saying I'll do NBE after I am no longer sick, I thought to myself "screw it" and started NBE.

After 3 months of NBE, two problems became clear. The first one was I really had problems with the pills—more bloating, more pain, diarrhea, and more. The second enlightenment that struck me was when under my nipples the first growth appeared, I freaked out and stopped. Not because it wasn't what I wanted, but rather, how will I explain this to the people who are important to me. So I realized before doing it I need to "come out" and move out, as I was still living with my parents and the fear of being rejected while still being confined in this house was big. So I moved out, into an apartment with my girlfriend; my parents still pay half the rent as I am still unable to work. But then it was time to talk about this. I told both my parents separately. I was sooooo anxious about it, but both took it way better than I expected, like really way better.

At the same time, my doctor prescribed me amitriptyline as we found out that it lowers the strength of the nerve signals and basically works as a permanent pain killer. It works, not as good as I hoped, but at least I now have a life again. Normal university or work are still out of range, but I started online university.

(In those 4 years, if there is one thing I had enough of, it would be time. I thought about it what I first thought to be a kink of sorts developed more the further I thought about it, till I realized that it's a deep-seated longing, and now when I see certain bodies it's not about erotic but rather like a cramp deep inside me as I realize that that is what I want to be yet knowing I will never achieve it.)

This brings me to the present. I tried NBE a few weeks ago and it wasn't a good idea as it seems. My symptoms worsened; I was in more pain again, same as before, so I stopped. So I have been thinking more and started thinking about HRT. The more I searched, the fewer reasons I had not to do it. My fear of infertility was reduced by a recent study in the Netherlands where they tested multiple trans-feminine persons' sperm count and if it would get back to a normal concentration if they stop HRT and apparently all tested individuals went back to full functionality. Some slower, some faster.

Now my only two remaining things holding me back are, first, my girlfriend as I love her more than anything else. She stayed with me these 4 years which have been as bad for her as they were for me. She knows that I want boobs; after a lot of fights, she accepted it and said she won't leave me for it. Well now I realized I want more than just boobs and I am really scared to tell her, as she is the best thing that ever happened to me and we are together for more than 10 years. And the other reason I am scared, that if I go to my doctor and disclose about me being non-binary, trans, gender fluid or whatever (not meant disrespectfully, but to me those are all just words which are not important in the aspect of who I am). Many doctors put me in the psychosomatic section already as is, if they don't know what I have, but if I come out about THIS, I am pretty sure that almost all doctors won't even bother to think of actually helping me since if you are not fitting into the system gender-wise, you have to be mentally ill and all your symptoms can only be related to psychosomaticism.

Sorry for the long rant about my personal story, and thanks for reading if you made it this far, but it gives the explanation why I think about HRT and why orally taking pills either PM or E might be problematic.



Now I have another question, do injections give more mood swings than tablets, patches, or gel, or is it all basically the same?

[Lotus]

Now I have another question, do injections give more mood swings than tablets, patches, or gel, or is it all basically the same?

Hi again Dibraru, 

A lot of people who take oral E2 experience mood changes, and mostly it's because there's peaks and lows. Meaning oral E2 has a higher peak (known as the term “curve”) with a steep drop off, that's why you'll be taking 2mg tablets 2-3x per day. Taking patches never seems to reach a high curve, so your E2 levels will be low, even with multiple patches. Injectables offer somewhat more steady periods but still have issues. Intramuscular injections have a stronger peak than Subcutaneous injections, however, SUBCUTANEOUS injections have a longer shelf life than IM (Intramuscular). Pellets (inserted 1x per year [on average] have the best steady state of release, per what's been written about it. My doctor does numerous pellet procedures each year, last I heard he has over 4k trans patients, I'll ask him if thata changed (I see him friday). I've left some links you can check yourself. Other things are at play that can contribute to mood swings when on hrt too, like maintaining a healthy BMI, keeping stress low, etc. Good luck 

diy hrt
https://diyhrt.wiki/

Intramuscular injection
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intramuscular_injection

Subcutaneous administration
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Subcutan...nistration

[Dibraru]

Thanks Lotus.

The Pellets were New to me. The diyhrt.wiki, was really interesting and answered a lot of my questions. But led me to another one, I have by now read a few time, about the topic of anti androgens. DIYHRT also mentioned, that taking higher levels of estradiol itself is already suppressing testosterone. I also read a few times that anti androgens have quite a few side effects, wouldn't if make more sense then to just take higher doses of E and skip the AA? Especially if you want to keep functionality down below?

[Lotus]

Hi, Dibraru, 

Reading between the lines here it sounds like you want to feminize but still want function. E monotherapy sounds like your best option imho. 

For feminisation therapy, whose goal is to adapt the physical appearance and the experience of the body to a female model (by inducing breast growth, softening facial features, and inducing other physical changes commonly regarded with a feminine appearance) (WPATH 2011).

Cotreatment with antiandrogens minimizes the required dose of estrogen, and thereby reduces the supposed risks of estrogen identified in previous studies (Schürmeyer 1986; Prior 1989)

Okay so the above information is a little outdated, but you get the gist of it. I strongly recommend getting labs done prior to starting any program. Having labs helps you understand what's your starting point, then recheck them every 30 days for 3 months until you can see the effects of E-monotherapy. There's things you can adjust after your first labs. 

I'd check for these labs:
Total T
Free T
SHBG
Estradiol 
Free Estradiol 
Progesterone 

[Dibraru]

Hi, Dibraru, 

Reading between the lines here it sounds like you want to feminize but still want function. E monotherapy sounds like your best option imho. 

For feminisation therapy, whose goal is to adapt the physical appearance and the experience of the body to a female model (by inducing breast growth, softening facial features, and inducing other physical changes commonly regarded with a feminine appearance) (WPATH 2011).

Cotreatment with antiandrogens minimizes the required dose of estrogen, and thereby reduces the supposed risks of estrogen identified in previous studies (Schürmeyer 1986; Prior 1989)

Okay so the above information is a little outdated, but you get the gist of it. I strongly recommend getting labs done prior to starting any program. Having labs helps you understand what's your starting point, then recheck them every 30 days for 3 months until you can see the effects of E-monotherapy. There's things you can adjust after your first labs. 

I'd check for these labs:
Total T
Free T
SHBG
Estradiol 
Free Estradiol 
Progesterone 

Hi lotus,

Thanks that's definitely useful info, I think in Germany they do a hormones check before you get prescribed hormones, but even if they do, its not certain that they check all of these. 

Is progesterone important at the beginning? From what I have understood isn't progesterone more of a later phase thing?