[CM213]

Took about a week off from nbe. I had gotten extremely depressed and had server anxiety about having to have the conversation wife my wife that could very well potentially end my life as I know it, and at the same time end and change my wives, family and friends lives as well. When I feel that conversation is close at hand this always happens, and I either stop nbe, or if I'm not on nbe take a shot of testosterone in hope to kill this side of myself. 

Also I was and.am.in fear of all that the unknown future has in-store when I transition. Fear of financial costs, fear of losing spouse family and friends, fear of being an outcast socially, fear of potentially losing my job since I feel I could not stay in my current job when I transition. Fear of having to start completely over especially when I'm barely making it finally right now in a two income house hold. 

I have restarted my nbe for about a week and two days. Started back with where I left off. I plan to continue to stay at current nbe doses till I see the endocrinologist.

[Heaven's Night]

Dealing with it is also a relief regardless of how it goes. At least then you will know how to proceed. Its good to be prepared for people being horrible about it, it happens often and it sucks. But that's not in our hands really, others need to transition their minds and most aren't able or willing to.

Transitioning is one of the hardest things to do in life there is, to whom ever it is all rainbows and roses, cool, but I think they're mostly just lying. For me the social impact has been the biggest price I've had to pay for it and I haven't had the worst possible outcome either. I didn't lose everything and everybody, but still much more than I anticipated. I try to remind myself that its not our doing that people are still to this day total idiots about things they don't want to understand. Not that we can do much about it. We can only do the right thing, transition always comes with a huge price, but when its right, it has to be done.

Btw if you want to chat in private on Discord, just message me.

[CM213]

Thanks Lara. I'm glad I'm back on discord. Another place for support from amazing people. Lately I've feel Ive been seeing all these signs that make me think transition is in my life, and it makes sense from feeling certain things and thinking certain things even having doubts and then to see something external from my own mind as a sign that indicates " no you're own the right path, be strong, push forward, it will all fall into place, time to take the mask off and be your authentic self. " 

So I have to just trust in the process, and have faith that it will all work out and happen as it's supposed to. The universe and spirit will provide and look after me, even if it's teaching me tough lessons at the same time.

[OOO]

CM

I can tell you from my experience.  Transitioning has been the most difficult undertaking of my life. You will have times that your so sick at your stomach you could puke, you will get furious at the system, you will ask yourself why in hell did I come out and start this journey and subject myself to the living hell of society.

 But with all the bad comes the most peace and joy I have ever experienced.  I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my lifetime, my wife and I are in love again.

So if you asked me if I would start this journey again?  HELL YES  You ask my wife, she will tell you she loves me more as Caylee than the old me.

I found out real quick that my wife was my best friend and my rock to lean on.  I personally couldn’t have got this far without her.  I must say the support I received from BN was very encouraging and helpful.  But most of all Lara Johanna and Nadi, were a gift from heaven.  Without those two girls and my wife this train would have never left the station.

Good luck and reach out if I can help. I have one good ear.

Always,

Caylee

[CM213]

Thanks caylee, I'm in the boarding process, but the conductor is still making the rounds checking everyone's tickets. 

I'm sure hope the train gets going soon... We aren't getting any younger lol

But seriously thanks for all the support every. I guess if I am being honest I'd rather get over all this doubt now, and if I am going to stop and start I'd rather do it now then with actual hormones. Each time I go through this phase of doubt, denial and fear, I come through it with an even more clear vision of who I am and what I need to do to live my life as authentically as I can. It always comes back to transition.

[OOO]

CM,

For me, I had my doubts when I first started, I think everyone does if there’re honest.  Now I don’t have doubts but I get extremely upset with the system.

The longer I’m on hormones the more I depend on them. I have two reasons for not quitting, one is Caylee and the other is my wife, I truly believe it would break her heart if I quit.

I feel that everyone has a point of no return.  This is not a game just have it right in your head and heart before the first hormone.

Always,

Caylee

[Heaven's Night]

Caylee said it so well already.   Transition is the most demanding and unthankful job I've ever taken on myself. But there's peace of mind, happiness of every little change, feeling my body is my home and not something that's actively telling me to fuck right off and to hate myself. But socially the price of this is insane... The way our society has pushed me aside, how I haven't got the help I was supposed to, how old friends have quietly abandoned me with few golden exceptions. Its insane how difficult this is.

But to survive it, all you need is determination and a support structure of people who keep you goin. There's no way we transition alone, there's always others, those who are there to actually help and not quietly disappear into the woodwork while claiming to be allies.

I hesitated for so long, that's my only regret, I should have had done it all much earlier. Then again, if I did, my experience would have been very different and I likely wouldn't have met the right people who have enabled everything. I've gone through a lot of work grieving the past and my late start. There's a good reason to rush for it, not a day younger no matter what so better get started.

[OOO]

CM,

Sorry, but there’s not a better place to post this than here. The highs the lows, and the number 12 dead in the middle of the ass.  I said I knew it was coming, just didn’t know when. Well I just felt it dead center of my ass and it hurts so bad.

I just found out that the two mental health professionals writing my clearance letters will not be excepted.  How can you except the news, the feelings are so devastating.  I’ve gone from looking for air fares to total devastation.  The expense wasted, the hours reliving your painful past, all up in smoke with one key stroke.

What to do now?  Sit and cry, well I I’m doing that now. It doesn’t help, I don’t want to give up. The only thing I know to do is when my wife wakes is to cry some more.  Lean on her and see if we together can figure this heart breaking gate out.  I don’t know how much more she can take..

I don’t want to quit, I don’t want this journey to end.  I can’t continue being locked in this body. Maybe my rock can figure it out.

How can the gate keepers be so cruel.  MONEY,

Caylee 

What’s left of her.

[Heaven's Night]

Omg Caylee, I'm so sorry. No to hijack CM's thread, but this is why we must gather a support structure of people who care and help us and be resourceful and arrange everything possible on our own. Its especially true in a country where informed consent systems do not exist. I say go find out, arrange things, get to know the right people, ensure your future as far as possible.

We can't count on doctors, pharmacies, law makers and society to do it all for us, our transitions in the end are ours only and sadly too often we need to make due on our own and with help of our chosen family. I'm absolutely 100% cynical about any authorities and systems of society for giving me any kind of help. More likely they're out there to fuck me and all my sisters over when ever they're allowed to.

For example with HRT, even if you get it by official route, do not lull yourself into belief that pharmacy is always ready to dispense your medication, no, stock up on HRT stuff on your own and keep a backlog to last for at least few years at all times. That wont ever be wasted. And then save up what ever money you can, its better to be ready to pocket anything and everything despite what ever promises of help there might be.

This has been a rude awakening to me and every trans woman should do the same and prepare for everything.

[CM213]

I'm so sorry Caylee,

Here I am worrying about my issues which are no where near in comparison to what you're going through. I can't even imagine what you're going through. I'm sorry, and I hope you find a way to move forward.